truth in ministry

sometimes that title seems like an oxymoron to me...

I was the intern director of a name ministry at a BIG name ministry in Los Angeles.  Been here for three years.  Been a staff for like a year an a half of that. 

Always loved to smoke the weed.  Seriously.  Loved it.  My whole life.  Never had a problem with hard drugs, never really liked to drink.  Always loved the bud. 

Stayed clean my entire time in Los Angeles minus the annual trips back to the homeland.  But in L.A. , was always clean.

One of my best friends here is an ex heroin addict.  Junkie of junkies.  Not like the "junkie" that the SWPD cop called me when he arrested me for a dimebag and $5.00 bowl.  Real junkie junkie.  LIKE, almost died junkie.

To be fair, even before i took off and smoked bud with him, I was looking.  Which, to the secular (nonchristian) ear, is absolutely not a big deal to smoke some weed here and there.  But in ministry, I might as well be jamming needles in my arm while looking at child pornography while shoving razor blades up my ass.  That's just the way the church is - liking to be clean on the outside while on the inside they're full of the same exact s**t everyone else is.

So, eventually I was living that old churchy double-life everyone's come to expect from us christians.  Smoking bud, driving around with possession on me, ducking the powers that be, etc... 

Smoking bud with old christian friends...  ducking my pastor's daughter girlfriend's calls.  Or beating around the truth of where i was or what i was doing.

Finally, I felt i loved her (and God) enough to tell her i was smoking again.  To her, being the churchy churchy churched girl her whole life, it was like a brick to the face.  But she bounced back.  Told her I'd quit.  No big deal.

Next day my buddy shows up with bomb hash.  Man the devil knows how to work it with me.  So i was like, all chivalrously turning down the hash for a few days.  But, like I said, the devil knows me and that if he keeps persisting like that, I'm done for.  So i was done for.  Smoking the good buds, the medical prescription buds that'll shut your mind off on you.  The high life for weed connoseurs.

Dodging phone calls, dodging accountability, dodging the powers that be.  Dodging the heart of my fiancee.  Dodging my own heart.  Dodging, most importantly to a man who firmly believes and has set himself a part for the purposes thereof, God Himself.

Then old church buddy number two starts rolling around everyday.  Bringing them good smokes.  But he's slipping.  Drinking now.  Occasionally and then more occasionally and then driving occasionally after drinking occasionally and occasionally being a little bit too f**ked up to drive but occasionally driving occasionally after occasionally drinking a bunch of beers and smoking a bunch of weed, occasionally driving his ministry vehicle back to the ministry house where he NOT so occasionally lives.  He's occasionally there full-time.

Church buddy # 3.  Known this guy forever, too.  He's the type of guy who you have to worry about.  Quiet.  Lonely.  Insecure.  But has a great heart and is actually probably the most anointed worship leader I've ever seen in my life.  Which says a lot, to a dude who's been INSIDE the church full-time for the last four years. 

Number 3 started smoking cigarettes again, then started smoking bud again.  Then smoked bud like everyday, driving around his ministry vehicle (both vehicles belonging to ministries and NOT them personally) and getting pulled over acouple times just for LOOKING messed up.  Which says a lot, considering this is L.A. and like half an hour ago i saw some dude spun on crystal or something almost run down an older lady in a crosswalk out in Hollywood and nobody cared.

Number 3 has a friend, who's not my friend, we'll call him Tom.  Tom is also a heroin addict.  Tom has a buddy we'll call Frank who is addicted to crack rock.  Both these dudes, Tom and Frank, are from Park City Utah and come from filthy rich white families.  Both these dudes call themselves christians and both went to church here for at least a good number of months.  In case it sounds familiar, Park City is where they do the Sundance music festival every year.

So church buddy 3 and these two clowns hit the bars, get ripped and go down to skid row to score their perspective drugs.  H and C.  Heroin and crack.

Tom shoots up and turns white immediately.  Passed out.  3 thinks he's dying, starts slapping him on the face and freaking out.  Frank is cracked out, which means calloused and detached and therefore not realizing his homey is about to die on his livingroom couch.

Tom's lips turn blue, face goes so pale, and comes an inch away from death.  Wakes back up, says "i'm hungry," and goes back to life as normal.  f**king junkies.

Ahhh the church.  a point:

When i went back to the weed after i swore to the girl i LOOOOVE so much that I'd stop, i realized something:  If smoking weed is not a big deal, why can't i stop for the one i love so much?  Why did it lead to my homeboys getting back into their old patterns and driving drunk, smoking crack, or shooting dope?  Why was it harder to break than I'd ever thought it would be?

Because it's deceptive.  We do it in dark places, where people can't see.  It's deceptive.  Hiding in the darkness, hiding from the threat of punishment and consequence.  And it can get on top of you.  Look at the burnouts in this world.

 That stuff can't be happening in the church.  We aren't called to smoke herb and get drunk like we used to.  We're supposed to be done with that stuff; have something better than that stuff. 

So i got rid of the sack i had just bought, confessed to my fiancee that i was smoking again- and what happens?  The next day my homeboy shows up and says "you wanna meet god?" 

"god" was the name of the new bud he had gotten, and it was trying real hard to live up to its name.  I was tempted, but stayed straight and havent smoked ever since.  Just funny to SEE with my own eyes the devil try and get at me for real. 

Stood up in front of the whole ministry, in front of people i've been a role model and an example to.  In front of people i've disciplined and counseled. People i've reamed out and people i've cried over. And told the whole thing.  Admitted the whole thing.  And I'm done.  I'm walking in the light now and not hiding in the darkness. 

Tom...  Tom will probably die.  And it's interesting to look into someone's face who's young and vibrant and handsome and know that he's one day going to be found dead in some Super8 hotel room, somewhere far away from his family.  Somewhere far away from everyone that loves him.  Surrounded by people who don't give a s**t and won't bat a lash at another dead white kid being wheeled out of a hotel.

Frank will probably downward spiral.  If he doesn't plug back into church and have people to lift him up, he'll probably be there when Tom dies and will probably kill himself after he comes sober and realizes what just happened.

Number 3 will probably get kicked out of the ministry and the church if he doesnt come clean and clean up his act, and will probably end up living in his parents house, sleeping on the living room couch.

Number 2 will probably get pulled over for D.U.I. eventually, in a ministry vehicle...  which will completely ruin his life and lose his job and his place.

Number 1 will hopefully stay clean.  But it's always tough when you're an ex-junkie.  Cuz you're never really an EX-junkie, you're just a junkie who hasn't shot in awhile.  Sometimes situations turn to slip-n-slides and you're back to your old mess in a matter of minutes.

These, of course, are worst case scenarios.  but these people have been flirting with worst case scenarios for awhile now.  Real life people flirting with real life disaster...

I will stay clean.