the infamous wax horse

to me, it seems one will never be able to PROVE absolutely a religion. but to be asked to believe something without there being any logic behind it, or any trace-able paths that point to that conclusion seems rather illogical. therefore, if christianity or hinduism or whatever claim to have the truth, then there'd better be something tangible there when i go "searching" around in it.

with me, I feel i was a life divinely intervened in. One night, back in my olden days, I was in LoS Angeles and i dropped some potent acid and was listening to LEd Zeppellin and Tool and other bands like them.... These bands are all about , yknow, metaphysical new-agey spiritualism yet have neat tag lines like "believe in nothing" or "beliefs are dangerous..." so i, being full bore into some sort of spiritual quest, was all trying to incant spirits in my super sensistive state (which is what acid does) and, well, I met with some straight evil stuff. Visions of demons, murder, human sacrifice. Audible words in my ears. Physical feelings. I thought i was going to be possessed by an evil spirit and went so far as to take a pencil and stab myself in the hand over and over to draw blood and swear in blood that i wouldnt let it take me over.

i cant even explain. it was crazy. and when i was done tripping, I had nightmares for over a year. Every night. And not talking little nightmares, but bigtime DEMONIC nightmares where I'd hear voices and spend the entire dream being chased by demons and running running running. I'd wake up at 2am and sit up in my bed and cry and cry because i was too scared to fall back asleep..... i dreaded night time , and often felt physical feelings inside of my head like PRESSURE whenever it was around. It was like a presence that i invited in to my soul and it kicked down the door and tried to take over.

NOw, i know that sounds crazy. And i know someone out there will try and chalk that up to some like mini schizophrenic episode under the influence of LSD. But why do you think satanists use trances, and often times use drugs to induce those trances? Why do you think Jim Morrison was all twisted up like he was? It was acid trance spiritualism - he opened himself up extra wide under the influence of powerful drugs and channeled energy from the spiritual realm. Why would millions of people waste their time on spiritism if there's nothing really behind it all? The majority of the world believes in spirits, and always has. Not just like seemingly silly 'wolf god' spirits, or the spirits in the trees or whatever... but human spirits and spirits of demons and angels and gods and God.

so whatever. this stems into a further philosophical debate on polytheism , dualism, monotheism, and naturalism which i'll prolly move on to next.

but it's interesting that naturalists (science, big bangers, evolutioners, non-God-ers) cite the Preponderance of "scientific" evidence that points them in the direction of what they believe but sometimes refuse the preponderance of evidence of human testimony that testify to the existence of the human spirit. And if science is more trustworthy and smarter than a human being and therefore we should side with science over man, why does man have intricate things that science doesn't have? Consciousness, reason, love, faith, hope????

We say that science is a system that contains and is responsible for all existing characteristics yet use our own characteristics that science doesn't even have to make that very statement.

It takes reason to say that there is no reason at all for existence - which is one of the big reasons why i believe in God.

To me, sometimes it seems like we as men set up a big pedestal for ourselves and start shouting at all the known and unknown order of things - much greater than us -and start saying such seemingly hit statements as "There is absolutely no reason for all of this reason!!!" before trailing off into a little "..." as we therefore deduce there's no reason for us to be saying that, no reason for us to be standing there, no reason for us to work, sleep, breath, talk, have friends, care for loved ones, feed the poor, let loose the bonds of the oppressed, go to war, eat, kill, enslave, birth, die, argue, get angry about right vs wrong, give our own opinions, HAVE our own opinions,thought, opinions, colors, numbers, molecules, light, dark, time, gravity, cats, dogs, grilled cheese sandwiches, you, me, the pope, orville reddenbacher, medicine, schooling, justice, law, reason for reading this, or existing at all.

so let's eat, drink, and f**k cuz tomorrow we die.... but let's at least try and keep our mouths shut and our emotions (and consciousness) in check because none of that crap matters anyway.  if this is true, then every word we say is worth less than dust although we still love to get worked up about our petty little wispy ideas of right and wrong.  from this perspective, one could say don't bother spewing forth any crap about a 'greater good' or 'self improvement' or 'love' or 'democracy' or whatever.... cuz that's all less than dust too.  So the war?  George Bush?  Iraq?  Your loved ones?  They don't mean shit and they're certainly not worth getting worked up about.  If there's no reason behind existence, then there's no reason to give a crap.  so maybe we should all just shut up and put another beer bottle, or maybe even a shotgun to our mouths and end all this incidental noise before we get any further caught up into a bunch of weird bullshit that doesn't even have a reason to be here in the first place.  To me, life without reason is a synonym for perfect hopelessness.  There is no hope that anything you ever do will ever truly be meaningful.  There is no hope that our daily grind is worth anything more than the fleeting pleasures, which aren't real anyway, that we manage to afford for ourselves in this life that is dissipating fast like a fog before the morning light.  Woe to man, for he sows meaningfully all day long unto his life yet in the end reaps only death and meaninglessness. 

or does our life have meaning, when we so readily claim that life (existence) itself has not???  are we greater than the system that spawned us?  hah.  Not unless we were made in God's image......... given gifts even the system doesn't have.  

Ohh man, ohh child,  how long how long, will we sow to the flesh and starve to the soul......

you can hate me, you can love me, or you can be indifferent about me. But don't charge into the heat of  battle on a wax horse, because this is the field where many man's logic has been slain - so often including my own.